I need to keep telling myself this because I could so easily slip into despair and get lost in negative emotions instead of being aware of the gift that the universe has given me. In moments of pain and conflict, I want to be able to ask the question "What is the universe trying to teach me?" instead of lamenting over why this seemingly terrible, unfavorable, unpleasant thing is happening. I fall prey to my own emotions very easily if I am not disciplined about the way that I manage my mind. I am trying to be better, trying to be stronger - mostly I am trying to be healthier mentally, and constantly leaning into negative feelings and self-talk is hardly a healthy practice. It is, however, a difficult habit to break especially considering that the only other way that I've dealt with those emotions is to repress them to a point of emotional numbness.
Up until very recently, I was convinced that I had broken something within myself - that I had exhausted my ability to feel, that I was destined to be cold for the rest of my existence. I had also convinced myself that it was easier that way, that life would be simpler. Unfortunately, I've never been someone to be satisfied by simplicity. I crave depth, I crave complexity, I crave intricate intimacy. I could never choose a simple life or a simple answer - if I did, it would mean living unfulfilled, unchallenged, unstimulated. So it shouldn't have been a surprise to me that I wasn't actually broken, just incredibly sensitive from a past experience and understandably wary of people who could potentially waste my time or hurt me. I still cannot get over the return of what I call the feelings in my chest - the physical manifestations of my emotions in my body; the shaking and vibration of excitement and joy, my heart beating so rapidly to the point where it seems as though other people may actually be able to hear it, the electricity in my fingers, icy tingling through my veins, tightening in my chest as I feel overcome with awe.
I used to feel those things often - looking back on it now, it could almost be compared to a superhero not having learned to control or channel their powers. There was a person who made me feel everything - and when I say everything, I mean I walked around in a daze constantly because it felt like she had cracked the universe open and poured it out on top of me. Everything was drenched in the cosmos, and my world has never looked so surreally beautiful. I wasn't able to think clearly in that time though, I was so drunk on my love for this person - so determined to make her love me that I forgot that it was her decision to make and not mine. When she left my life, she took the stars with her... along with all the feelings in my chest. I was shocked at first, I didn't know how one person could affect me so profoundly. I was confused. I didn't know how I wasn't able to feel things the way that I had always been able to feel them. I got used to it after a while, and kind of gave up on the idea of ever feeling that way about anything or anyone ever again. It became a welcomed reprieve from the pain, I was almost glad for it as it promised that I wouldn't experience heartbreak like that again. I was momentarily protected from my own intense emotions - the Libra won out the Scorpio in me for once.
I got caught off guard and suddenly found myself around someone who allowed me to experience those feelings in my chest. I told them that I was scared... terrified. They didn't understand what I meant by that, I guess. How could I expect anyone to know how my own feelings make me feel, how vivid my own imagination is, how chaotic my mind is? I'm not scared of having feelings for someone because I'm scared of them, I'm scared of myself - I'm scared of my capability to love, I'm scared of my own depth, I'm scared of my intensity, I'm scared of the lengths I will go to for the people I love.
I don't know how to navigate these feelings. I've spent the better part of four years grieving and healing and protecting myself. They're not just happy feelings, things have come full circle enough for me to now be experiencing the not so great things that people sometimes make other people feel. Things aren't going the way that I thought that they would. And that's hard to admit to myself because I didn't want to waste my time on something that wasn't ever going to be something - but you can't ever help who makes you feel a certain way, I only wish that I had not leaned in so hard based on the idea of someone or the potential that I see in them.
My emotions contradict my intense rationality. They make me impulsive which causes chaos for someone who plans so meticulously. I crave control in all things, I am disciplined for the sake of my mental health and survival. Now that the feelings in my chest are back, I don't know what this is going to mean for me going forward. I don't know how to control what is happening to me. I don't know if I can contain the cosmos raging inside me without it hurting me again, without it causing me to hurt myself again. I'm scared of becoming that person again, of not being able to control myself again. I'm so much stronger now, there's no question about that. I've worked so incredibly hard and experienced so much more than I ever thought I would. Now, I'm in a position where the universe is testing me, testing my growth, testing my preparedness and my readiness for something more.
I'm trying to not let my fear halt me like it has before, I'm trying to be brave. To live bravely and truly. To not live in fear of myself, mostly. To not live in fear of the feelings in my chest. I can handle all joy, and I can handle all pain. I can love the infinite and expansive universe inside of my heart and mind, and it doesn't matter if anyone else will ever be able to. Because I can love all of me and that is enough.